The Real Cougar Woman

Mark Sanford Heading For Divorce Court?

Is Governor Mark Sanford heading for divorce court?  Will his wife say enough is enough?  The speculation over the future of their marriage, after his recently disclosed affair is likely to die off well before the family’s pain. So, too, will the unsolicited lectures — about his hypocrisy, about her obligations, about the dire state of marriage in general.

Innfidelity is one of the most common reasons people divorce.  But surveys find the majority of people who discover a cheating spouse remain married to that person for years afterward. Many millions more shrug off, or work through, strong suspicions or evidence of infidelity. And recent trends in marriage suggest that the institution itself has become more resilient in recent years, not less so.

Temptation stalks even close marriages, as researchers have had no trouble documenting it. In one survey, psychologists at the University of Vermont asked 349 men and women in committed relationships about sexual fantasies. Fully 98 percent of the men and 80 percent of the women reported having imagined a sexual encounter with someone other than their partner at least once in the previous two months. The longer couples were together, the more likely both partners were to report such fantasies.

And it’s worth noting that most couples who have been publicly humiliated — the Clintons, the Spitzers, the Edwardses — have so far stayed together.

In a statement last week, Jenny Sanford, Governor Sanford’s wife, said that she had recently asked her husband to leave the house after discovering the affair. She also said that she still believes their relationship can be repaired.

To read more about the institution of marriage read yesterday's New York Times article "Marriage Stands Up For Itself".

Farrah and Michael - Two Icons Exit Together

Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson made their final exit yesterday.  Farrah had courage, she had strength, and she had faith. And now she has peace.  Michael, King of Pop was a legend with immense talent.  But, unfortunately his gifts came with a hefty pricetag - his deep seeded pain that followed his everywhere.    

"I will miss Farrah every day," says Kate Jackson. "She was a selfless person who loved her family and friends with all her heart, and what a big heart it was. Farrah showed immense courage and grace throughout her illness and was an inspiration to those around her. When I think of Farrah I will remember her kindness, her cutting dry wit and, of course, her beautiful smile."

"I can't stop crying over the sad news," Madonna says. "I have always admired Michael Jackson. The world has lost one of the greats, but his music will live on forever! My heart goes out to his three children and other members of his family. God bless."

Michael is survived by three children: Michael Joseph Jackson, Jr., Paris Michael Katherine Jackson and Prince "Blanket" Michael Jackson II.

Farrah is survived by her son Redmond O'Neal.

 

Mark Sanford Mystery Solved - It's All About Sex Stupid

The great mystery has been solved and surprise, surprise -  it's all about sex.  Mark Sanford, South Carolina's chief exec. is now back home admitting he's been a very bad boy. After disappearing for five days on an "adventure trip," or so he told his staff, Sanford confessed to having an affair.  No wonder he had such a great tan - he was in Argentina. Is it me or doesn't that seem like an awfully long way to go for a roll in the hay?

At yesterday's press conference he apologized to his wife, Jenny, his four sons, his "parents-in-laws", his staff and the rest of the country.

"As much as I did talk about going to the Appalachian Trail, that  wasn't  where I ended up," he drawled.  No. With his four kids at home and his wife managing his campaigns, Sanford developed a relationship with a "dear, dear friend from Argentina." A married lady he'd known for eight years.

Can you just imagine what would be going on if  Mark was Margaret, a female governor who did the same thing?  With men it's still more accepted.  It's just what men do.  Sanford even turned to God to defend him saying, "God's law is designed "to protect people from themselves . . . It's not a morally rigid list of do's and don'ts just for the heck of do's and don'ts."  Oh pleez!!

Our politicians sure do know how to serve the people don't they.  We had McGreevey who hid the fact he was gay.  Then there was Spitzer and his ladies of the evening and now Stanford who wins a special spot in the Horny Governors Hall of Fame.

Is it totally unrealistic to expect people to honor their rwedding vows?  It sure looks that way.  Maybe marriage isn't everything it's cracked up to be and we have to establish a whole new set of rules.  

Michelle Pfeiffer - Don't Call Me Cougar!

Michelle Pfeiffer insists she is not a cougar, but I think she is.  When she was asked what appealed to her most about her latest movie role "Cheri"  here's what she had to day.  "My character was elegant, incredibly sophisticated, a shrewd businesswoman, and above all else, she was really a moral person". Ok, Michelle that's what it means to be a cougar.

"Cheri" is centered around an older woman-younger man relationship in France's Belle Epoque.  Today, 34% of women over 40 are dating younger men.  It appears that these liasons, dangerous or not, aren't going away anytime soon.  Do the outdated double standards still cloud these relationships?  You bet, but you can't let the narrow minds of the misinformed infringe on your happiness.

After the screening last night, I was part of a lively panel discussion.  Joni Evans of WowOWow.com and Thelma Adams of U.S. Weekly talked about today's woman over 40 and we got lots of great feedback from the audience. We all agreed that age doesn't matter when it comes to affairs of the heart.  But, there are still those in Michelle's camp that want to change the term "cougar" because it implies we are predators on the prowl for younger men.  

Here's what I have to say about that.  It's ridiculous.  The younger men are beating a path to our doors, not the other way around. Why is that so hard to imagine?  I think women have to become much more comfortable with who they are what makes them happy.  Movies about strong, independent and sexy women are more important now than ever.  We have to keep the dicussion about women and aging in the forefront.  

We have come a long way baby - but not nearly far enough.  We can't stop the hands of time but we can certainly change how we approach the aging process.  Real Cougars believe that the  juiciest parts of their lives are yet to come. 

Helen Gurley Brown - The Original Real Cougar

There has been a debate going on for decades about Helen Gurley Brown (HGB).  Is she a feminist?  How can a woman who has spent 45 years telling us how to please a man in bed possibly be a feminist? How could a woman who ‘pedalled cleavage’, as many critics claimed, be on our side?

What about all those serious, politically active frontline feminists – Betty Friedan, Gloria Steinem, and Germaine Greer? 

They broke the boundaries didn’t they? Didn't they do the work?  Not Cosmo.What has HGB’s ‘bare your bra rather than burn it’ kind of feminism ever done for you? This is how HGB answers that.

'Feminism,'is about being the best you can be for you. It’s about having the life you want, not the life everyone else wants you to have and living for yourself not through your job, your man, your children. It’s about equality.' 

I would say that brand of feminism is everything I believe in. It's the backbone of a Real Cougar woman. Back in the sixties, it was very controversial. Even today I keep running into brick walls trying to get that message across. HGB's brand of feminism is totally non-judgmental.  It's all about you. 

HGB urged women to work within the system not against it. And she saw no reason to hate men or blame them for all women’s ills.  I agree with that.  Men can help us in our journey - not hold us back.

She used the magazine to get the message across – but the way she did it earned fierce criticism. Her provocative covers – the braless models often looked as if they just got out of bed after a night with Warren Beatty – caused the most concern for feminists of the time.

The way HGB handled sex, emotions and fashion alongside powerful pieces on abortion and single motherhood in Cosmo paved the way for women in power today to be as comfortable talking about what they are wearing as much as what they were doing. 

She opened the debate that gave ordinary normal women a voice and more importantly brought them information about their rights, planted the seed in their mind that there was much more to life than they were being offered.

Helen started the job and now it's up to us to finish it.  Always remember, Real Cougars are strong, independent, confident and refuse to let other people define who we are. 

Cougars - This Is Your Year!

Don't take my word for it, Newsweek is calling 2009 "The Year Of The Cougar".    

In Cheri, Michelle Pfeiffer (51) returns to the big screen and jumps into the sack with a guy about half her age, Rupert Friend (27). In My Life in Ruins, Nia Vardalos (46) romances the Greek actor Alexis Georgoulis (34), and there's not a word of dialogue in the screenplay about her robbing the cradle. In Julie & Julia, Meryl Streep (who turns 60 on June 22) plays real-life kitchen cougar Julia Child.  And then there's The Rebound, Catherine Zeta-Jones's (39) September movie about dating a 25-year-old guy, andCourteney Cox TV show Cougartown.

Demi Moore and Katie Couric aren't to blame for all this, and Hollywood insiders are pleading innocence, claiming that they aren't necessarily trying to hop on the cougar bandwagon

But that raises the question: are cougars really what women want to be?  And that's where all of this gets dicey.  What is a cougar???

Women over 40 are not predators on the prowl for younger men. In my Real Cougar community we have thousands of women - corporate women, successful entrepreneurs, smart women who are in loving relationships with younger men. How does this make them predators?  I am so tired of the outdated, prejudicial double standard that society insists on imposing on us.  Men never have had to endure this embarrassing display of disrespect on or off the screen.

Go ahead and read the Newsweek article.   And in case you don't have time right now, I want to tell you how they decided to end their piece. "Here's to you, Hollywood, for trying something old and something new. But by next year at this time, the cougar will probably be extinct".

That's where they are so wrong.  Older women and younger men have been falling in love since time began and that's not about to stop anytime soon.   So just get over it!

Relationship Recipe - 4 Basic Ingredients

There are at least 4 basic ingredients needed to maintain a healthy relationship. Along with these ingredients it takes two people committed to make it work. 

Here are the four ingredients you need to feel nurtured and satisfied with that special someone in your life.  

1. Authenticity

Each person in the relationship feels they can be authentic and express exactly who they are. It takes two fairly secure people to allow each other to just Be, but people in these great relationships often report the wonderful ease of getting to be exactly who they are.

2. Expansion

The relationship is not drudgery or wearing on anyone. It exhibits even energy exchange and good individual boundaries. The symptoms are that no one feels overly exhausted or worn from participating. Often, two people in this type of relationship say they feel uplifted, or have more energy, from the experience of being together, rather than the opposite.

3. Appreciation

Appreciation for the relationship and the other person seems to be a hallmark of some very happy ones. Sometimes I have clients who are on their second (or third) marriage but their previous not-good experience has taught them to really appreciate the qualities of the new partner. When two people sit around and appreciate each other, what are the odds they are going to have a bad experience with each other?

4. Harmony

What I mean by this is not necessarily always agreeing, but almost always being out of high drama. Around these excellent relationships, there is a sense of calm, peace, ease as far as the relationship is concerned. Even in tough times, people with great connections seem to not make their relationship bear the brunt of their troubles. In other words, one symptom of a not great relationship is sense of constant negative drama.

How many of these ingredients are part of your relationship recipe?  

Marriage - Is Yours Worth Saving?

Most marriages and relationships can be saved, but not all!  In the case of abuse – sexual, physical, mental – many failing marriages and relationships are simply not worth saving. In fact, to attempt to save them puts one or both partners in the relationship at risk for further abuse. 

Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz, authors of Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage have this to say about love and marriage. "Our six decades of life and nearly three decades of research on the topics of love and marriage, tell us that some relationships become so poisoned, so dysfunctional, and so hopeless, that it is better to end them than to operate under the illusion that they are worth saving or can be saved".

Ask yourself this question - it may help you decide whether to stay or to leave. “How can I continue to live with a man that makes me feel so worthless, so insignificant, and so meaningless. How can I continue to live with a man that respects me so little?”

Sometimes it is just time to move on. Sometimes, to save your soul you have to free yourself of all that is oppressive. Sometimes, you must remove the albatross around your neck if you have any hope of living out your life with happiness, hope, self-respect, and meaningfulness.

When you can look in the mirror and honestly and truthfully say that you did your best to save your relationship with another human being, but to no avail, then ending it is the right thing to do. Life is too short to waste it in torment, in abuse, and in lost love.

Real Cougars Loving Who We Are

I am talking to Real Cougars all the time.  A large majority of them are in relationship with or married to younger men.  These women range in age from 40 to 60 and their love interests are men 27 to 40. 

Are they happy?  You bet they are!  Are there problems?  You bet there are!  The biggest problem is we still live in a society where the double standard is alive and well.  What's okay for the male isn't necessarily okay for the female.  The only way we are going to change those antiquated perceptions is to be a shining example that these relationships do work.  That both people are there for the right reasons - love, support, and happiness.

One thing I have noticed is that the men in cougar relationships are not getting the support they need.  Just like the women who are misunderstood - so are the guys.  The difference is women will find someone to talk to but for a man that's a lot more difficult.  

Just last week I got an email from a women who told me that her friends and family did an "intervention".  They all got together to convince her that the man in her life was only there for his personal gain and she should run for the hills.  I don't think this would have happened if her guy was of a similar age.

Do we have to change what other people think to be happy?  Of course not.  Happiness is an inside job but we can shine example.  We are smart, confident, accomplished women who strive to enjoy life to the fullest.  Real Cougars refuse to be defined by the age of the man we are with. We know life's too short to worry about what other people think.   

Real Cougar Michelle Pfeiffer in "Cheri"

Michelle Pfeiffer is once again playing the part of a Real Cougar. In 2007 she starred in "I Could Never Be Your Woman" and now it's "Cheri" which premieres June 26th.

"Cheri" takes place in turn of the century Belle Epoque Paris.The sensational tale begins as the ravishing Lea (Michelle Pfeiffer) contemplates retirement from her renowned stature as Paris’s most envied seductress to the rich and famous. Her plans are cut short when she is approached by a former courtesan and arch rival, the barb-throwing gossip Charlotte Peloux (Kathy Bates), who encourages Lea to teach her disaffected 19 year-old son— a bon vivant nicknamed “Chéri” (Rupert Friend) — a thing or two about women.

The resulting escapades involve power struggles over sex, money, age and society – and unexpectedly, love itself — as a boy who refuses to grow up collides with a woman who realizes she cannot stay young forever.

It would appear that the strugges haven't changed very much throughout the years.  Aren't we still faced with exactly the same challenges - sex, money, age and society? 

I will be attending the preview screening of "Cheri" in New York.  I will also be participating in a panel discussion after the movie.   Please stay tuned because in a few days I will be telling you how to attend a screening in a city near you.